I think from time to time we have all felt like an impostor. I mean the desire to fit in is really really strongly wired into us and I don't think we can shake it.

I remember the desire to feel like I fit in at school when I was young and never felt like I did. So when I got older I did the opposite and choose to be different and leant hard into not fitting in, but that was the exact same thing just a new flavour. In not fitting in, I was fitting in with a different group on people.

This is so engrained in us that the extremely famous Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs he puts it as number 3 out of 5 needs. In order he puts the needs as

1. Physiological Needs

2.  Safety Needs

3. What Dan Said.                                                                                    © Abraham Maslow 1943.

He also lists it as Love and Belonging Needs. So after we have food, shelter and our safe, we need to belong. 

But what if on paper it looks like we do, but secretly we feel like we don't?

Over Covid there was a simple game that took over the internet. It was called Among Us and was a simple concept. You were all crewmates operating a ship and if you completed tasks you would win. But there were 1, 2 or even 3 crewmates that had been overtaken by aliens and were trying to sabotage the crew by turning off lights, closing doors, starting countdowns for the ship to explode and one more thing..... hmmm.

What was it.....

Oh that was right - killing the crewmates.

Once a death was discovered it could be reported and everyone would vote who to throw off the ship in the hopes to get rid of the imposter. 

So the impostor looked like everyone else, talked like everyone else but was not like everyone else and needed to be discovered then thrown out to die in the empty vacuum of space

Cut to you starting a new job, joining a church, getting new adult friends, getting married, having children and you find yourself in the same position. Nervously sitting there waiting to be found out that you are not like everyone else and suffering the consequences. This is called Impostor Syndrome.

So what do you if you feel like an impostor and are about to be found out. I believe these three simple things will help.

A common mistake in this situation is we do to the people we love, let them know what how we are feeling (sometimes they just notice) and we get pep talks. You can pick any you want from this handy table

Pep Talk Pick and Mix

Problem                                                                   Pep

As awesome as these people are, it's not really helpful. If impostor syndrome could be fixed with a pep talk then then it would be on the list of things AI could do for us along with draw any one with 7 fingers. But often these words though sent full of love, arrive very hollow.

So instead we should devote our energy in finding proof. You feel like you boss hates you, then look for proof. There has to be an email somewhere titled 'Dear Employee, You're Stinky and I hate you'.

You think you are a bad parent, find some proof. Your home must be a terrible place, society must shun you and you must find no evidence of doing anything for your family.

It sounds silly but its powerful, because almost every time you wont find any. And if you do, then go get some help to work out that that means and double check if it really is proof.

2. Act Like a Crew Mate

In the game Among us the impostors look exactly the same as the crewmates and can pretend to do task just like someone on the team. This is a common strategy to gain trust before you destroy them in the corner of medbay.  But what is the impostor just choose to act like a crewmate for the entire game. The crew would finish the task and safely land the ship and win. Sure in the game the end screen will tell you you lost but that is just game mechicics. When you think about it in the story, the imposter and the crew mates could happy live together forever if the imposter just choose to continue to act like a crewmate. They would never know.

I know this breaks the game, but it can also break this stuck feeling you might be facing. You are in a situation where you don't feel like you belong so break it it down to what the basics are and do them. You don't fit into Church, do the basics - go each week and join a team. You don't feel like a good husband - talk to your wife each day and help around the house. You don't feel apart of your work team - Heart the occasional thing on the whatsapp group.

Crewmates do task, I am sure some do them better than others, but that doesn't matter. There are some basics that need to be done in any area that you don't feel like you fit and if you do then it doesn't matter your an imposter.

3. No Self Reporting

Have you noticed not once in this post have I tried to do what most people will try to do in your situation. Convince themselves or be convinced by others that they are not an impostor. But I have not done that for this one simple fact

You might be an impostor

You might suck at your job, you might be a bad friend, husband, wife, parent. You might not fit in at your Church, your work, your friendship group, your community. But here is the more important truth.

It doesn't matter.

This is just a blog post, I don't have the time and skill to work out why you feel this way but if you only remember one think from this episode is this. If you are an impostor - don't self report.

In the game of among us it the job of the crewmate to find the impostor and the job of the impostor to remain hidden, and it is the same in our lives. Don't do the job of others and turn yourself in, let them find out themselves and then catch you and throw you out of the spaceship.

I know this is easier said than done but this is what most people get wrong. They quit on a number of wonderful relationships and opportunities in fear people will find out who they really are. But if they did, the result would be the same- they would have to leave so. So why turn yourself in especially when no one, including you have found any proof that you are who you think you are.

In the meantime, keep showing up, keep acting like a crewmate and keep looking for proof rather of all your impostor ways.

And I pray that one day, perhaps when you are old and grey and lived a life of love and belonging and rich relationships you will realised that you never were an impostor after all.